The proudest moment in life to date is giving birth to and raising my beautiful, clever and amazing daughter!
It hasn’t been easy in fact some days have been hell and that is not an exaggeration but others well others have been amazing like the first time milly sat up, crawled, walked and said her first words and yes her first word was “dada” which didn’t piss me off at all!
Incase you didn’t know already because I probably haven’t mentioned it that often (total lie) that I have borderline personality disorder but ontop of that I had postnatal depression after having Milly.
Actually I think it started before she was born as my pregnancy was so stressful I honestly didn’t believe I was going to get through the pregnancy nevermind the birth and now I am currently a proud mummy to a two and a half year old.
For the first year of Milly’s life I felt nothing towards her we had no bond absolutely nothing but I still forced myself to provide the care she needed even tho at that time I couldn’t provide the love but luckily Milly had her daddy and the rest of the family to provide that love.
It does break my heart everytime I think about that year I missed out on even tho I wasn’t there mentally I was physically but I barely remember the first year of Milly’s life.
I look at photos and just think I can’t believe I didn’t feel love towards my baby but now I know it wasn’t me it was the illness but that dosen’t make me feel less guilty and do you know why that is because my bpd has now taken hold of that guilt and reminds me everyday that I was a shit mummy and I was but I’m not anymore.
Well some days I am when my bpd takes over and I become extremely suicidal or extremely manic (but milly finds that funny) the manic part not the suicidal part as when I’m like that i find looking after milly extremely difficult but I am lucky that my partner or my family can help out most of the time.
So after a year of hell, then a year of learning what I should have learnt within the first year of Milly’s life we are now at a point in our lives that we have an unbreakable bond but it was a bloody hard battle to get where we are today and I never thought it was going to happen but it did.
So if this post has shown you anything I hope that it has shown you that it does get better but it does take time but you will get through it!
Thanks for reading it means a lot.
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