I am going to be totally honest with you otherwise there is no point doing this blog.
I want you all to be aware of how hard it actually is to live with the mental illness’s I suffer with and it makes my brain a very dark place.
I think about ending my own life every single day. That is not me saying I have planned to end my life but I have suicidal thoughts every day.
A lot of people are very judgemental of people who commit suicide or who try to commit suicide by saying they are selfish or attention seeking and that isn’t true! They are desperate to escape from the hell they are living in there mind.
Don’t always believe what somebody’s life looks like on the outside because you can’t see the hell what is going on in somebody’s mind.
The last time I not only thought about suicide but had it planned was April time around the second anniversary of my grandad’s death and my mind was such a dark place every single day and I just didn’t feel that it was ever going to end and in a way it hasn’t.
The reason I didn’t go through with it is because I am lucky to have a boyfriend who is very aware of the signs to look out for and has been there himself.
Obviously at the time I didn’t feel lucky to have him because I wanted to die, but he knows how to calm me down even at my very worst moments.
I do know how lucky I am as I know a lot of men wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me as my illness is so unpredictable but I don’t care about them as I have Lee but for people who don’t anyone I can see why they commit suicide.
Milly is currently two and a half year’s old, and she is becoming very aware of things and I have split feelings about this like half of me thinks she is better of without me and the other half thinks she needs me and these thoughts range in strength depending on the emotion I am feeling at the time.
It seriously sucks that at least once a day I have thoughts to end my own life and it is very distressing but it happens so often now that I guess I have become numb to it a lot of the time.
I know for some people reading this it will be upsetting but that is not why I have written this post the reason I have done this post is to raise awareness and to try decrease the stigma attached to suicide, suicidal, BPD.
The stigmas need to stop and be replaced with understanding!
Please spread the word about my little blog and if you like what you read the go ahead and Subscribe to bpd_mummy_to_1 and never miss a story.