I mean an easier question would have been what don’t I struggle with when it comes to my mental health but that isn’t the question, so I will do my best to answer in the most honest way I can. Just like I always do!
Where should I start? I mean I guess I should start with my BPD as this is the one that ruins my life on a daily basis. I mean I have so many struggles with this illness that I don’t even know where to begin.
The lack of control over my emotions is one of the scariest and most painful part of having BPD and no matter how much help I seem to ask for nobody has any answers for me.
The fear of abandonment is another one that tries to ruin my relationships on a daily basis but the one it tries to ruin all the time is my 4 year relationship with Lee.I have to battle the thoughts that he is going to leave me for someone else, somebody better looking, somebody who is much easier to live with and more trusting than me and I can kind of understand it and no matter how much he reassures me that little voice in my head tells me to “push him away before he can hurt you” but he always stays! That dosen’t mean that one day he won’t decide I am too much for him and just leave. I do try ask for help with this but I just feel like nobody understands what I am talking about or just tells me to stop doing it which is super helpful!.. not!
Feelings of hatred towards myself is another big one for me I hate everything about myself not just the way I look but my voice, my personality to be totally honest I hate everything about myself and this is made worse by another mental illness I have called Body dysmorphia and because not a lot of people are aware of this illness they think I’m saying it for effect or compliments when in fact it is for the total opposite reason I just have so much hatred for myself that sometimes it is just comes out. There is no point asking for help for this in my opinion as nobody not even my doctor will take me seriously and I think the only time they would take me seriously is if I walked in as a skeleton but even then I still wouldn’t believe I was thin enough. So thats another thing to add to my daily battle.
Another joy of having BPD is either you feel everything or you feel nothing and let me tell you something they are both equally as scary to try and deal with so I don’t.
I use self harm occasionally these days when things just get far to overwhelming and I have no other escape. The reason I do it less is not because things have got better but because I have a two year old daughter who watches my every move and I don’t want her or anybody else to think that this is the way to cope when you feel overwhelmed because it’s not but for me sometimes it is the only way I can feel anything or some relief.
Then to follow on from all those things listed above I also have suicidal thoughts but not just every so often or monthly, I have them every single day and not just once a day I have them all through the day. Have I asked for help? Yes! Did I get it? Not really! Would I ask for help again? Probably not! I would rather suffer than be made to feel like an idiot. This is just my experience. If you are suffering with any of these problems especially this one please do seek help from somebody!
Next up is social anxiety I hate having to interact with other people especially ones out of my safety circle (which us very small) because I have a fear of being negatively judged, mocked, laughed at or talked about by others because of my behaviour caused by my anxiety disorder!
What does having an anxiety disorder mean to me? Well it is being scared of everything in your life, every desicion you have to make you feel you have made the wrong one, having a constant fear that someone you love is going to die but physically it makes you feel sick because your stomach feels so tight that to breathe it hurts, your heart is racing at 100 miles per hour, your lungs feel like someone is physically sat on you breaking your rib cage and piercing you lung, whilst they are doing that they are crushing your windpipe making it harder and harder to breathe and then the tears come but do you want to know the worst thing? I get that feeling from the smallest thing like the post coming through the letter box or someone sneezing so I live my life constantly on edge and it’s exhausting .
Then it gets worse because even though you are exhausted you can’t sleep because those anxieties don’t go away when you sleep they turn into terrifying nightmares which then makes it impossible to sleep. So I basically live in a terrifying circle that I have no idea how to escape from. Any advice would be appreciated!
Then to add to that mixture we then throw in the agraphobia I suffer with which makes me terrified to leave the house but my anxiety disorder makes me petrified to also be in the house so I have no place where I feel safe anymore.
So I think that’s everything but I’m not certain as I have a lot of issues with my mental health but I want you all to know that I am not writing this to make you feel sorry for me. I am writing this to raise awareness!
Yes! I go through hell on a daily basis but if you met me you wouldn’t know because I have taught myself to hide it and do you know why I taught myself to hide it? Because that is what society expects.
If you met me and I was acting the way having all these demonds makes me feel would you approach me? No you probably wouldn’t you would probably walk past and say she is crazy or you would tell your kids not to look at me and that is why I paste a smile on my face when I have to, I put my make up on, get dressed and pretend that I am “normal” when in fact I am dying inside.
I just to ask you all to do one thing if you can see that someone is struggling (their eyes usually give them away) just reach out to them. Don’t force it but just let them know that if they need someone you will be there but just make sure you are.
Thanks for reading until the end this was a pretty long one but a really important one I feel .
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