I know I have been a bit M.I.A recently but I have had a lot going on as on Saturday night my Grandma sadly passed away and I feel awful about it!
I just constantly feel guilty even tho people keep telling me not to but I do.
I feel awful that my mum was on her own with my Grandma when she passed away because I needed taking to a bonfire and whilst my dad was dropping us off she died! I honestly didn’t realise how bad my Grandma was otherwise I would have said to not bother and to stay with mum but I didn’t I was selfish and my mum had to go through that by herself and I can’t forgive myself for that.
I feel guilty for the fact that we didn’t always get on and now I blame myself for that because my illness makes me feel so vulnerable but so protective of myself that things she used to say would hurt me or make me angry and that made me think I didn’t feel love towards her but when she died all that anger and hurt that I felt she had caused me dissappeared and that is when I realised I did love her but it was to late. I don’t even remember the last time I told her I loved her and now I can never tell her.
So now I feel she died without knowing that I did love her or without hearing me say I love you Grandma and now I’m thinking about it the last time I ever saw her I didn’t even give her a hug because my stupid brain told me she would be fine and she was just playing it as usual and now I am laying here in bed crying because My Grandma is dead and because I couldn’t ignore my brain I never got to say goodbye.
I know she died thinking I didn’t love her. I just know it because I didn’t know it until she died so how would she know it?
I honestly didn’t think I was going to feel anything when my Grandma passed away but I do I feel so much pain, heartbreak and sadness. I also feel anger, hate and guilt towards myself and my illness.
Just like with my Grandad I never expected her to die because although she was a moaner she was a bloody fighter we all thought she was going to out live us all but then just like that she was gone!!
At the moment I spend my days feeling numb to it and my nights crying. I don’t know how well I’m going to cope with this loss because I didn’t cope at all well with my Grandad’s and this had hit me so hard and I wasn’t prepared for that at all because I was adamant that I wasn’t going to feel anything… how wrong was I!
I am lucky that I have such an amazing support system and I’m so glad that my mum does too because we need it. We will always be there for each other but when we are apart I’m just glad that my mum had my dad and I’m sure my mum is glad that I have Lee.
That is all I can write on this right now as it is so raw. I’m just glad that my Grandma isn’t suffering anymore! R.I.P Grandma Ward
Thanks for reading