Yesterday was my Grandma’s funeral and I was absolutely distraught and I felt like people was looking at me wondering why I was so upset because our relationship was so fragile. I also don’t think it helped that I would tell people when she had pissed me off and I think that was one of the many mistakes I made when it came to my Grandma unfortunately.
I was also thinking last night when I couldn’t sleep I have no memories of times that we spent with my grandma … I honestly can not think of one single memory… how awful is that.
I only have two memories that come to mind with my Grandad Ward who passed away November 15th 2000. My dad used to drive us down to their house which was a four hour drive like every month just to go and see them and have no memories of anything they ever did with us which makes me think they didn’t do much with us. Which is sad ! Why did they not want to spend time with us? Is it something we did wrong?
I mean after my grandad died my Grandma moved apparently 250 miles up North to live across the road from us and she still didn’t make any effort and because of the way my mental health I felt rejected , I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong to make her not want to spend time with us but especially me so that had a massive impact on our relationship I honestly thought she didn’t love me and that made me angry which then made me really sensitive to everything she said I just felt like she was stabbing me over and over again.
But still even tho all through her life we didn’t have much of a bond but when she died It hit me like a tonne of bricks.
I didn’t think it would so I was not prepared for all these intense feelings of sadness, anger, guilt and I guess heartbreak that have just taken over my mind.
I was speaking to my CPN on Tuesday and I was saying to her that it is so hard to explain my feelings because my illness makes my emotions a lot stronger than a “normal” person so it like grieving at 10x the strength of others and that is hard but like I said to Katy I’m not saying I loved her more than anybody because thats not true and it’s not a competition but what I am saying is I do feel it more intensely which is why I try to push away the grief as it is literally takes over my my entire life and that is scary.
I was really upset yesterday I just couldn’t control my emotions and I once I saw that coffin I lost it but then when we got to the cemetery my other Grandma said “what’s got you so upset everyone gets old” now that pissed me off at the time because I just thought I’m at my Grandma’s funeral of course I’m upset but when I spoke to Lee about it later he made the point that people wouldn’t expect me to be upset because I used to moan about her and for the last year I didn’t even call her grandma I called her Barbara but that is what she told us to call her.
So that just broke me because it just added to my thoughts that she didn’t love me and didn’t even want to be my Grandma and I couldn’t deal with that so I stayed away so I didn’t get hurt which probably was the wrong decision now I look back but at the time I was certain it was the right thing to do.
When my Grandma said that at the funeral (the live one not the dead one I wasn’t hallucinating) that broke me even more because I just felt that if my own Grandma thought that then surely everyone else thought that too.
The thing is the guilt and the anger towards myself will eat me up for some time but hopefully one day I will be able to forgive myself but right now I’m not ready to do that.
Like I said before on a previous post she fought until the very end because she was an extremely strong women but I’m just glad she isn’t suffering anymore…. R.I.P GRANDMA WARD
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Love to you all, hope you are all doing well ❤