Well yesterday I couldn’t have been happier and today I couldn’t feel more depressed why? I hear you asking, what has changed? And my answer to those questions is nothing absolutely nothing has changed from yesterday to today apart from my mood.
Yesterday I felt ontop of the world, I fel invisible, I felt loved, I felt excitement and that wasn’t just beacause we booked our wedding date and venue that is just how I felt yesterday but of course that did add to the excitement.
Today I feel the total opposite. I feel like a complete burden, a total fuck up, suicidal, I have thoughts of harming myself constantly, I’m paranoid, I feel powerless, upset and maybe even broken and do you want to know why I feel this way? I HAVE NO IDEA that is just the way I feel today.
As you all know I suffer with Borderline personality Disorder and I write openly and honestly in my blog and having this illness is soul destroying. It is a constant battle every day to get through the day but alongside that you have a constant fear of not knowing how you are going to feel from one moment to the next but as I’ve said before it’s not a little change it’s the most drastic change that you can imagine.
When I said we have booked our wedding date/ venue so many people said well it’s something positive to focus on which it is for most people but staying focused with BPD is incredibly difficult as when I am extremely happy I go overboard but when I am at my lowest I have no motivation to look at or do anything. So wedding planning is going to be hard but luckily I have plenty of support.
My body dysmorphia has also hit hard as I know I want to look amazing on my wedding day and is filling my head with all the negatives I can think of about myself and how horrendous I will look in a wedding dress and the fact I know I need to loose weight and in my rational mind I know I have 11 months but unfortunately that is not the most powerful part of my mind that part is the one that wants me to do anything I can to loose weight within like a week and if I don’t it will just get louder so that’s another struggle.
I honestly can’t wait to marry Lee I just have to battle with these demons until I do and then continue battling with them for the rest of my life and I just hope that at some point it dosen’t become too much for lee because I can’t deal with that sort of abandonment.
I know we have been together for over 4 years now and it will be five years when we are married but that’s very different to being together for the rest of our lives I just hope he dosen’t change his mind.
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Love to you all