In the past three or four weeks I have really noticed a big change in my moods, not in the intensity that hasn’t changed but the length of how long they are lasting so my moods used to change like every few hours now they are lasting weeks at a time and I can’t deal with it. I have no clue what is going on but what I do know is I’m scared and I don’t know what to do about it!
I’m angry all the time! I can just feel the anger rising in myself the anger is at myself but it makes me loose my temper or snap at others over things that are not a massive thing but they just wind me up so much.
As well as being angry all the time I constantly feel suicidal! I just feel like I am fighting a loosing battle. I feel like I am drowning and there is nothing I can do about it. Don’t get me wrong I am used to feeling suicidal but this is on another level because usually I am up and down so I kind of have other feelings coming in and out but like I said things have changed so like 4 weeks ago I was like extremely happy for about a week like overly happy and that is really unusual as well because this is not how Borderline personality disorder works it’s more quick changes so this is new for me and I’m scared because I don’t know whats happening.
I am also so tired actually tired doesn’t cut it I am absolutely exhausted like I just want to stay in bed all day and sleep but that doesn’t happen as I have a three year old but I have falling asleep on the sofa to try stop feeling so angry and suicidal. I don’t want to do anything at all whilst I am in this mood but when I was feeling that extreme happiness I felt like I honestly had endless energy.
The reason I want to stay asleep all day because when I sleep in the daytime I guess I don’t often get nightmares but at night they are so intense and petrifying that Lee has had to wake me up as I have either been crying in my sleep or sweating like mad. I can’t tell you what the nightmares are about but I can tell you that they are very disturbing it makes sleeping at night so difficult because I struggle to sleep anyway but this had made me scared to sleep. So I don’t get a break ever!!
I am used to feeling emotions in either black or white but this is another level of black and white this is a form of black and white I have never felt before and I am so overwhelmed by it! I was going to contact my Community Psychiatric Nurse Katy but I am pretty sure She is coming on the 1st of March so I will try keep track of what is going on and then hopefully she can help me do something about it because I feel like I’m loosing my mind!
If anybody has any thoughts on what is going on please let me know as I am in a place that I have never been before for so long and I have no clue what is going on or why this is happening and I am scared not only of my thoughts and feelings but of myself!
That is all I have for you right now but I will update you when I know what the hell is going on!!
Love to you all