I have felt like a failure my whole life but parenting is one thing I feel like I have and I am still failing at today.
I have failed Milly from the moment she was born. Maybe not in a physical way but in an emotional way I totally have. Like I have said before we had no bond for over 11 months which is a long time in her life when you think about it. I know we have a strong bond now but surely that will have affected her in someway and that guilt just eats me up everyday.
I have failed her and it doesn’t matter what people say to me in my heart I know I have and now she has started playgroup it is even more obvious because she is so behind and that is my fault and I can tell you why:
1. She doesn’t interact with other children this is my fault because I couldn’t take her out, I couldn’t do the things that others mums could do like taking her to groups so she could socialize with others from a young age. She is getting better with children her age but that is because of playgroup not because of me.
2. She dosen’t speak at playgroup and her speach is behind. This again is my fault because I don’t really speak properly and I haven’t really made a massive effort with her speach so I just think she isn’t confident with it and again because she hasn’t socialized her speach is behind because of me.
3.She is becoming like me in a bad way! I feel awful because everytime we leave the house Milly asks to go home and this breaks my heart because she is three years old she should be wanting to explore the world not be scared of it and that is all my fault because everytime I leave the house I just want to go home and she obviously picks up on that. I don’t say it but obviously she is aware because that’s all she says now!
4. She has no friends at 3. Like you see all these little kids with all their little friends going to parties and things and Milly dosen’t have that. I mean now she is at playgroup I am hopeful that she will make some friends but she won’t if she spends time around me as I don’t socialize with anyone.
I mean this list could go on for days but I won’t put all that on you at once.
Now I’m going to tell you how I fail her everyday.
1. I fall asleep! Now you might think well what is so bad about that? So I am going to tell you why it is because I fall asleep when I should be looking after Milly but I can’t help it I am just so exhausted all the time but its mental exhaustion mainly and sleep just dosen’t really do much but it dosen’t help that can’t sleep at night so then the physical exhaustion joins in and no matter how hard I try I just can’t keep my eyes open and that is not a good parent I would never forgive myself if she got badly hurt. (Luckily we have locks on our doors to the kitchen and a stairgate so she is contained to the living room and it is very safe and Lee is usually around. I will just point that out )
2. I become so frustrated so quickly! Before I started suffering with my mental health I was so patient people who I worked with used to comment on how patient I actually was but now I just loose it not in a violent way but I just feel so angry at situations that don’t justify how angry I feel and I do snap at Milly and Lee and I feel so awful later on because they don’t deserve it especially not Milly as she is three, she is learning and yes it is frustrating and yes she pushes to see what she can get away with but that doesn’t justify me snapping like I do.
3. I’m scared so she is scared! I know I said this above but this is something that I hate about myself and now hate even more as I have passed that on to Milly so she either repeatedly tells me she wants to go home after five minutes or is just scared of everything and it’s getting worse and it is my fault because I although I say to her you don’t need to be scared and I try so hard to not show her that I am scared it dosen’t work she only feels safe when Lee is there and although I never feel safe I feel better when Lee is there. Can you see a pattern here.
This is just 3 of the big things I do that as a parent I shouldn’t. I am Milly’s role modle and what a shit role model I am she is three years old and I have already messed her up!
Everyday I have to battle with the thoughts and the feelings that she would be better without me and although in my heart I do know she would be I also know that she loves me to peices and every night when I put her to bed she asks if I’m coming back so if one day I didn’t her little heart would be broken and that is what keeps me around.
I am hopeful that now she is doing three afternoons a week at playgroup she is going to come on massively as she will be away from me so instead of being my shadow and becoming like me she will become her own little person who is a happy, confident little three year old.
I think that’s all I have for you today! Thanks for reading. I have had another break from my blog but I am going to make a big effort to get back to it even if it is just a short post.
Please don’t give up on me as I will try keep up with my blog so please subscribe as it really means a lot to me 😘😘
Thanks again!! Love to you all