I want to start by making it clear that I am not saying that you all see the world one way and I see it the other as of course there is a grey area but that grey area doesn’t exist in my life.
My life is either black or white and there is nothing in between and the reason for that is because basically that is how my brain works.
That is what living with Borderline personality disorder is like inside your brain but it also affects how I see the real world and it makes living very difficult.
I am scared of everything and nearly everyone. I am scared that everyone I see or meet that I don’t know wants to hurt me. I am scared that everyone hates me and that makes the world a very scary place.
I can literally count on one hand how many people I actually trust in my life and the rest I keep at a distance or a push away and the reason I do that is to keep myself safe and to stop myself getting hurt.
I am paranoid in my own home I am afraid to open my front door as in my mind it’s not just a delivery man who is probably very nice it is some horrible person who is going to come into our house and harm us or steal from us. So if I don’t know that someone is coming to our house then there is a good chance I won’t open the door and I always look out the window before I even go to the door just to make sure they aren’t masked men/ women holding a machete or a knife or even a gun and I know to a lot of people that sounds insane but for me it is very real and is what I deal with everyday.
Also I don’t like having the windows open downstairs in the house as I hate the fact that someone could get in I even made my dad but a grid on the celler window as I was so paranoid that someone would get in through that window and we wouldn’t even know.
When I have to leave the house if people look at me I instantly think the worst especially if I have Milly. I am really protective of her as I constantly feel like we are being watched and that is a scary feeling .
I watched the Truman show at high school once years before I even realized about my mental illness and I became paranoid that my life was the Truman show and everyone in it was just actors and I became really suspicious of everyone and sometimes I do go back to feeling that way.
I try really hard to not listen or watch the news but with the internet and social media it is pretty much impossible to avoid because in my world when bad things happen in the news I am absolutely certain that they are going to happen to me or someone I love.
When I used to live at home anytime my mum and dad left the house and didn’t come back at the time they said or didn’t message I was certain something bad had happened to them and at any moment the police was going to turn up or the phone was going to ring and I was going to find out that they had died in a car crash or been killed and sometimes I get like that when they go on holiday but now I feel that way everytime Lee leaves the house.
I live my life constantly on edge, hating myself , constantly feeling like the people I love the most in my life are going to be taken away from me someway or another and that it will be my fault!
It’s an awful way to have to live and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. So when you ask me why I’m so exhausted? or why I am suicidal? or why am I so miserable? my answer is well wouldn’t you be? If you had to live like this daily how would you feel?
Thats all for now. Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to subscribe 😘
Love to you all