My mood has been so low recently and it’s just getting worse and I don’t think living in a mouldy house helps at all but that’s not the main reason.
The main reason is because it is coming it to the anniversary of my Grandad’s death and I have never really allowed myself to grieve for him because I honestly don’t think it would ever end.
The day he died my life literally fell apart, my world ended and a massive peice of my heart died with him and from that day on the pain has only got worse not any better!
It will be three years on the 19th April but it honestly feels like yesterday and with us planning our wedding and sending out invitations I’ve found it really hard to deal with the fact that he won’t be there.
Usually I can push it down so all the pain doesn’t come to the surface but every year I feel I am less able to deal with it than I was the year before.
I just know how excited he would have been that me and lee was getting married and he would definitely have been the first one to cry when he saw me in my dress and I can tell you know if he was still alive he wouldn’t have waited until I walked down the aisle to see me in my dress he would be barging in so he could see me first and then he would cry… he was a very sensitive soul!
He was a man that only cared about his family’s happiness and health everything else would be dropped if we needed him. He would always say to me if I was on a night out or anywhere and I didn’t feel safe to just ring him and he would come get and I knew he would.
He was always so happy for me and very protective Lee has never forgotten his first meeting with my grandad when he gripped his hand that hard he nearly broke it 🤣🤣 and told him that he had to take care of me and then when he was dying the last thing he said to Lee was “promise me you will always look after my Hannah” and he meant it.
He really was my everything and loosing him I felt like everything had been taken away from me, everything I knew had gone and that feeling has never changed from that day onwards and know I have this massive fear that all the people in my life are just going to drop dead.
I know that everyone has to die and that’s not what I’m worried about what I’m worried about is that they are all going to die at once don’t ask me how or why because I don’t know it is just one of those things that my brain makes me believe!!
If I’m being honest I don’t think I will ever come to terms with the death of my Grandad mainly because I just can’t allow myself to grieve for him because grieving means letting go and I never want to let him go because that means admitting he is gone and I don’t want to do that!
That’s all I’ve got for you today!
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Love to you all
This is my necklace I had made when my grandad passed away and this has just captured him perfectly. Yes it needs cleaning!