What am I most proud of ?

I’m going to be honest as I always am. The person I am most proud of in my life is Milly of course but what I am most proud of about myself is the fact that I am still alive and sitting here writing this post.

Because my god there has been many, many times that I thought I wasn’t going to be able to keep fighting through these horrendous dark periods that I have so regularly in my life and when I say dark I mean terrifying. If they was to make a horror film on my thoughts it probably wouldn’t even be allowed to be shown to the public.

So of course I constantly think that the only way to make it stop is suicide as there is no medication to actually treat borderline personality disorder there is only medication to make some of the symptoms of the illness more bearable.

More bearable! well that is just perfect! The thing that people don’t understand about BPD is that its not just the highs and lows that are extremely intense it’s every single emotion that you feel which is absolutely exhausting and it honestly feels like it will never end.

I’m not going to lie to you and say it does end because in my experience it doesn’t but once you have accepted that you do have this illness and you start learning about it and talking to others who have the same illness it somehow turns the terrifying unknown of this diagnosis into a more bearable situation in someways.

It doesn’t change how horrendous this illness is and if I was still in a dark place like I have been for the last two months or so I probably wouldn’t be writing this in such a positive way, Which sounds a bit strange when it is about suicide.

Another thing I do want to say tho is if I didn’t have such an amazing fiancee who in my worst times does everything he can to keep me safe even when I don’t want him to I probably wouldn’t be here now. So you can all thank him for the fact you have to read my blog.

Like I say to everyone I am always available to listen with no judgement. So if you are in a dark place and you feel like you have nobody to reach out to who will understand all my social media information is available on my blog and I will get back to you ASAP!

So yes the thing I am most proud of is that I am still alive because I honestly didn’t believe I still would be!

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Love to you all




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