So in just under two weeks I will be going for my first dress fitting not for a spacific dress obviously but just to try on a range of different dresses to get a feel of what I like and I guess don’t like but if I’m honest I am dreading it.
It’s my worst nightmare all rolled into like an hour and a half session. I can’t stand the sight of myself in a mirror, I hate changing rooms!( like literally I avoid them at all costs) , I dread to think of what I am going to look like in a wedding dress and then coming out to show people and listen to what they think oh my god it’s just giving me anxiety thinking about it.
All these brides look amazing like literally stunning and I’m not going to look like that I’m going to look like this ugly bride that people will be looking at but not for good reasons but like what is she wearing she looks horrendous… I just know that’s goung to happen.
I have body dysmorphia which a lot of people really don’t understand and I know most women are self conscious but BDD makes that self consciousness 100000 times worse like you might look in the mirror and think I wish I could change that bit I look at myself and think how ugly am I? how fat am I? If I had money for surgery I would literally change everything about myself but guess what the thing with body dysmorphia is I will never see the change. I will never be happy with the way I look because thats all I see, I don’t see what anyone else sees and no matter how hard I try to see some positive parts in myself I just can’t. So I honestly have no idea how I am going to feel or look like this beautiful bride!!
Like how am I even getting married? Seriously I think Lee is blinded with love because it definitely isn’t my beauty thats for sure! I am determined to loose weight before this wedding I have like 8 months and I will get down to my target weight if it nearly kills me! I also have to tone up. I still won’t be happy with how I look but hopefully I will feel a tiny bit proud of myself.
We are having a professional photographer at the wedding so I will just tell her to edit all the photos so I look nothing like myself lol (half joking)
I want the perfect dress but how am I going to find my perfect dress if I hate the way I look.. see what I mean. I’m supposed to be excited and I really want to be but I just can’t because I’m dreading it.
I hope that once I have done it once it will become easier and I will start to enjoy it but I’m thinking that’s probably not going to happen!
That’s all for now!
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Love to you all