It is no secret that I am a sufferer of the soul destroying illness that is Borderline Personality Disorder so I wanted to let you know what it is actually like to live with this horrible illness from a person who actually suffers with the illness! Not from a book or a Dr from a real life sufferer and how it affects my daily life!
This is an illness that not many people know much about but quite happily judge others for having it and this really frustrates me as there are many blogs, vlogs and websites that are easily accessible to all but instead people choose to be ignorant.
So let me start by saying I’m not a serial killer and the reason I am saying this is because if you watch any murder trial or programs they generally say that the murderer or psychopath has a personality disorders and a lot of people instantly think that means every one with any form of personality disorder is going to harm or murder people.
Which in fact it is a very specific personality disorder that they suffer with and it is not generally BPD also a lot of the time it is used as a way for lawyers to make sure these evil people either do not have to stand trial or get a lighter sentence as it is very hard to prove otherwise.
Now we have got that out of the way let me tell you what it is actually like to suffer with this mental illness day in and day out and how it not only effects my life but others around me.
I’m going to start by saying that I wouldn’t wish this illness on my worst enemy because not even they deserve to live in this amount of hell that this illness puts you through EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
When I wake up in a morning I have no idea if I am going to feel on top of this world or the most suicidal I have ever felt and no matter what I wake up feeling like that can change within seconds with no warning at all and it can be very scary for me and I guess others but also very confusing for people who don’t understand.
It is not just the highs and the lows that are intense it is every single emotion that you will ever feel and that is absolutely exhausting. So for example when I become excited to others I may seem over excited but to me that’s normal!
Reacting to situations is very difficult for People with BPD as we can’t read emotion very well so if somebody is a little annoyed with us we instantly think we have done something terrible and that person hates us and we can’t help that because that is how our brain works.
We live in a world of black and white. We don’t have that grey filter that everyone else has which makes you react in a more rational way. To us we don’t see anything wrong with the way we may have reacted because that is the way our mind tells us we need to react to that certain situation.
Lee has to pull me up on this all the time as I have no clue that what I said or how I reacted was not right for what just happened. This is why I hate interacting with people because I am just paranoid about what they think about me , that they are talking about me or that they are laughing at me so how I deal with this is to just isolate myself then i don’t have to worry about it.
Poor Lee tho he never knows what he is going to get with me because sometimes I’m lovable and I want attention and then other times I’m super stand offish and I push him away but what he doesn’t understand is the reason I push him away is to protect him from me because I don’t want to end up hurting him,(not physically ) but instead he pushes back and I know it’s because he loves me but I only realize that when i’m not in that moment but at the time I think why is he doing this to me? why is he staying? Why doesn’t he hate me? he deserves so much better!
Then I become triggered and that send me into a downward spiral where I either want to self harm, actually self harm or want to die and that is no exaggeration and the reason that happens is because of the intensity of love I have for him I can’t deal wit the thought of him being mad at me, hating me or leaving me and that is where my mind instantly goes so having a stable relationship is very difficult for BPD sufferers I’m just lucky that Lee stands by me through thick and thin and we are getting married in December so I hope that that gives other sufferers of this illness hope that they can find their own Lee! MINE IS TAKEN! So look elsewhere! (lol)
I am extremely jealous too so I don’t like any girls to even look at Lee never mind talk to him or even work with him but obviously I don’t get a say in that but it still makes me paranoid and very jealous. I think sometimes it annoys Lee but I just can’t help it because I just think he will realize he can find someone better than me in every way as I know it won’t be difficult but I guess that is on me and my critically low self esteem but Lee never gets jealous but I mean I don’t really get attention anyway so he doesn’t really have a reason to get jealous I suppose.
I want to say that living with borderline personality disorder is bloody hard and you have no clue what to expect from one moment to the next but people do somehow manage to live a normal-ish life and although I’m not there yet I hope that one day I will be! I have so much respect for sufferers who do live a “normal” life because I honestly don’t know how they do it.
I think that is all I have for you tonight. If i think of anything else I will do another post on the subject. As it is BPD awareness month I will be trying to share little bits of information on life with BPD.
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Love to you all