So as you all know I am currently diagnosed with having borderline personality disorder along with other mental health problems but this diagnosis confuses me as BPD is commonly caused by trauma from childhood but I don’t remember anything traumatic really happening in my childhood.
I can understand why I have this diagnosis in a way because I have all the symptoms of someone with this illness but borderline personality disorder is closely linked to bipolar and symptoms a quite similar.
I know my brain isn’t right it’s not like everyone elses and like I have all the symptoms of someone with borderline personality disorder but I don’t know why.
I feel like my brain has decided or convinced itself that something traumatic has happened to me.. I mean maybe it did but I don’t recall anything ever happening to me.
My moods have always been very unpredictable like highs and lows but obviously as a teenager you don’t really notice because you just think it’s because your a teenager but when I think about it my moods were actually a lot more intense than the people who I used to hang about with but I never really thought anything of it.
I think the next time I see my CPN I will bring this up with her and maybe she can explain why I have this illness even tho I have never been traumatized and see what she says maybe it’s normal but I doubt it every medical condition I have ever been diagnosed with has never been straight forward that’s just the story of my life.
I have so many mental health problems its just ridiculous how one person can have so many things wrong with them and unless I make people aware they wouldn’t even know as I have had to act “well” for so long that it just comes naturally.
So I have BPD, severe anxiety, manic depression, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, agoraphobia, paranoia and insomnia, suicidal thoughts and I think there is more but my memory is shocking at the moment well it always has been but it’s worse at the moment.
My biggest fear is that Milly will end up the same as me and I could never forgive myself if that happens. I really try to be strong for her and not let her see my mood changes but I don’t know when they are going to happen so it makes it very difficult to hide and to be honest she knows! kids pick up on everything and people who think they don’t must live in a self absorbed bubble.
I mean I have done so much research on BPD and it always comes back to being caused by trauma so I don’t know why I have this life destroying illness but I do so I guess I just have to live with it I suppose.
That’s all I have on this subject for today. If anyone can help me out with figuring out my diagnosis I would be grateful.
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Love to you all