I know that some people will find that title difficult to read but it’s the truth! I have felt like this for such a long time and everyday the feelings and thoughts get stronger and stronger.
They are so strong I can’t ignore them anymore I can’t push them away anymore the thoughts are constantly there all the time and it’s not only terrifying but it’s also exhausting.
I don’t live anymore I exist and I only exist for others if I didn’t have those people I had to try and stay alive for I wouldn’t fight anymore but I do so although I don’t want to fight anymore I do for the people I love the most.
I don’t get enjoyment out of anything anymore! Things I used to love doing just feel like a chore and things I need to do feel like I’m trying to move a mountain.
I know first hand what it feels like to loose someone to suicide and I don’t want to put any of my loved ones through that but I also know how it feels to have no hope anymore, to feel like a complete burden on everyone and to feel like the only way to escape this horrific illness is to end it all!
People keep telling me that when we move house everything will be better. Yes not having to live in a mouldy house with a joke of a landlord who dosen’t give a shit about us may help a little but everything is not going to magically get better because we move house I mean if people seriously think that they have no clue how bad things in my head are right now!
My CPN is coming today and I’m going to try explain how dark things in my mind actually are at the moment and see what she suggests.
I am my own worst enemy and I know that but when everything terrifies you it’s hard not to be paranoid and think everyone is out to get you.
I wouldn’t wish this hell on my worst enemy!
I will keep fighting for as long as I can but how long that is is anyone’s guess!
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Love to you all