This time it’s not a person but a house! I know how strange that sounds but this house has had so much happen in it that it’s so hard to leave it behind.
I’m not talking about our house I couldn’t give a shit about leaving this house behind but my Grandma and Grandad’s house is a whole different story.
This is the only house I have ever known them live in so for nearly 26 years I have visited this house on at least a weekly basis if not more and now it’s time to say goodbye.
It’s really sad to be honest well it find it really sad anyway because my grandad but his everything into that house to make it the house of their dreams and now it’s like just forget all of that because Grandma needs a smaller house which she does but I still think it’s really difficult to leave behind a house that was the last place I saw my grandad alive.
There are lot of things in that house that aren’t going with my Grandma as she is going from a four bedroom house to a one bedroom apartment so things like my grandad’s chair aren’t going and I like to sit on that chair to feel closer to my Grandad.
I’m trying to stay positive infront of my Grandma because I know this move is hard for her too but I’m not going to lie to her and tell her that I won’t miss this house but I will be glad that she will be safe in her apartment.
To be honest I never thought she would sell the house I thought she would die in that house especially after loosening my Grandad so I was quite surprised when I was told she was moving but it is happening so I will just have to adjust like my Grandma will. I just don’t deal well with change.
So today was probably the last time I will see my Grandma and Grandad’s house with my Grandma in it and once she has moved out I don’t want to go back there because I think that will be to difficult.
I’m worried about this move for my Grandma anyway as she is already severely depressed and constantly tells us she doesn’t want to be alive but she also dosen’t really believe in mental illness even tho I suffer terribly and won’t recieve any help.
This move will either make her or break her more than ever! I really hope it makes her but I really doubt it! So ontop of everything else I constantly worry that everytime I see her will be the last time I ever see her.
I know I shouldn’t think that way but I do every single time I see her. She is just deteriorating infront of my eyes and it is so hard to watch but only she can do something to change that and I know that but it doesn’t make it any easier to watch.
I feel totally useless, totally defeated and a complete failure. I’m s complete burden an if I wasn’t here then nobody would have to worry about me anymore. If I could fall asleep and never wake up again that would be me dying happy! I believe Milly and Lee would be better off without me even tho Lee says the wouldn’t but in time they would realise they were because I just suck the life out of them.
All I want is for them to be happy and with me around that can’t happen because I just make them sad but they are the only reason I am still alive so it is a really difficult fight I have going on in my head 24/7.
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Love to you all