I don’t know what’s going on or why I am feeling this way but if it gets any worse I’m going to just breakdown… again..!
My anxiety is through the roof, my depression is at an all time low, my BPD is more unstable than ever, my self esteem is non existent and I’m just mentally and physically exhausted. I just want to cry all the time!
I don’t know if it has anything to do with us moving house ,packing everything up and selling stuff we don’t need anymore but I know that will be worth it in the end.
I just have no pride in anything anymore. Like if my mum didn’t book for me to go to the Hairdressers with her I wouldn’t go because I just don’t care anymore. I want to care but I really don’t.
I’m taking everything so much more personal than before and I used to do this a lot before but it’s worse like everything thats said to me I just feel like they may aswell just be physically stabbing me with a knife that’s how painful words are to me right now!
My thoughts to self harm are so intense but I’m trying so hard not to but every hour of everyday it gets harder not to.
I really feel sorry for Lee I know I say this a lot but I do he has to watch me go through hell day in day out, when isn’t there he spends all his time worrying that I’ve harmed myself or worse that I’m dead and I Hate that I cause him that pain well everyone that loves me that pain!
Lee see’s the scars from what I have done to myself in the past and I can see it hurts him and I hate that. I could harm myself easily and not care but the reason I really try not to is because of that look of hurt that Lee and my mum gives me when she notices as I have always tried to hide it.
Why does Lee even want to marry me I’m a complete train wreck an ugly, unpredictable train wreck when he could do so much better he could marry someone pretty and stable and who is confident in her self not a jealous lunatic like me.
Marrying Lee and Planning our wedding is the thing that is just about keeping me plodding along at the moment.
I hope that once we are settled in our new home and have left this house behind us my anxiety will start to settle down a little but you just never know with mental illness.
All I can say is I’m lucky that I live with someone who cares enough to keep me safe because if I didn’t have Lee I can honestly say I wouldn’t be alive right now and I can say that with about 99.9% certainty.
That’s all for now! Thanks for reading!! Don’t forget to subscribe 😘
Love to you all