What is extreme anxiety? Well it’s like ordinary anxiety but an extreme version of it!
Basically it makes doing everything terrifying even the smallest of small things that you would think anyone could do but I can tell you for a fact when your scared of everything you can’t!
We moved house two weeks ago tommorow and in many ways it has been really good we love our new home but as expected my mental health has stayed the same.
Milly’s playgroup is about a 10 minutes walk from our house which is great but before I can leave the house it takes me a good 10-15 minutes to get myself to walk down to playgroup with Milly.
So everyday at around half eleven my anxiety appears if it’s not already harassing me my heart starts to pound, I start to shake, I start to feel faint, I start to sweat, sounds become intensified and sometimes everything goes into slow motion and this is everyday at the same time even tho Milly isn’t a playgroup on Wednesday and obviously Saturday’s and Sunday’s but my anxiety still sends me into panic mode at that time everyday.
I’m not going to lie it is horrendous and can be really scary and it really puts me off wanting to walk her down to playgroup and then walking back home on my own because I know that if I went in the car i would still be anxious but nothing like I am with walking but at the moment I have managed to do it ten times as I walk to pick her up too and it has been extremely hard but for those ten times I have just about managed to do it but my anxiety levels are still as high as they was when I did it the 1st time so I don’t know when or if they will calm down we will have to wait and see.
A few times I have carried Milly up home because she has started winging or nagging and Lee says it is because I am soft but the real reason isnt just because I’m soft its because I don’t like people looking at me and when she starts winging people start to look and that makes me more paranoid and I just want to get home as quick as I can so I would much rather carry her if it means I can get back to the safety of my home quicker.
When I get back home I am generally out of breath but not from lack of fittness because it’s not a bad walk there is a hill but the reason I am a bit out of breath is from panic and I just feel exhausted when I get back just like mentally exhausted which then starts to make me feel physically exhausted!so I have no motivation to do anything else.
I do try show Milly that I’m not anxious because I don’t want her to be scared like I am and she has started to show some signs of being anxious but she is only three so we just try and reassure her whenever we can.
Another thing that I actually can’t do at all is use public transport if I don’t have my car I don’t leave the house at all if I’m supposed to go somewhere I will cancel because public transport terrifies me. Having all these strangers in a compact space that you don’t have any control over when you can get off just thinking about it is triggering my anxiety so I think I will move on from that subject.
Honestly I am terrified of everything even when I am locked in my house any sound I hear or like any shadow that passes and if someone comes to the door that I’m not expecting well thats it ive already thought of 100 different scenarios of how this person, sound or noise is going to try hurt or kill me and Milly and how I would be able to get up to Milly and get her safe and then find something to protect myself with and then it turns out to be just someone posting a menu threw the door but this every single time I hear a noise, see something, someone comes to the door, if I hear a car parked outside honestly my brain just goes into overdrive and I end up terrified and waiting for Lee to come home…
Honestly all it takes is for Lee to go to the shop for ten minutes for all this to happen and it feels like he has been gone for hours when it’s probably only been ten minutes at most!
Then I have a constant fear that Lee is going to leave me for someone less needy, better looking and a lot thinner than I am and that he will take Milly from me as without him I would be classed as an unfit mother because of the instability of my BPD and I have this thought all day well it’s not even a thought it’s what my mind tells me over and over again throughout the day and if that wasn’t enough it causes me horrendous nightmares pretty much every night and at the end of the nightmares just before I wake up I am about to take my own life… everytime.
So that is my life with extreme anxiety. I am sure there is more but it’s starting to make me panic thinking about all these things so I am going to stop now.
Thanks for reading I hope I have helped you understand a bit more about extreme anxiety and how it affects my everyday life. If you like my blog or find it interesting then please subscribe 😘
Love to you all