It’s been bad for a long time but it’s worse today. I woke up this morning wishing that I didn’t this does happen a lot but today I was totally devastated that I didn’t die in my sleep.
I know how that sounds as I have a little girl to live for and my amazing fiancèe who gets me through a lot but today I feel like they would be better without me.
I’m a total burden on everyone I really am and I hate that. I feel so guilty that I put my family through hell.
I just feel like I’m in a black whole that never ever ends, there is no light at the end of it because the whole is swallowing me up and closing in on me.
I am trapped in a mind that is trying to kill me and a body that is losing the fight and no matter how hard I try to escape the cage just continues to lock around me.
I hate the way I look literally everything about myself so I have started working out again but that causes me pain in my back from the car accident we was in nearly three years ago now.
So even when I’m trying to do something good for myself if it’s not my brain screwing me over its my body… I just can’t win.
No matter how hard I seem to try I always end up failing and dealing with that constant feeling of being a failureday in and day out is so difficult.
I try to stay ontop of things like keeping the house clean (which isn’t easy with a three year old but I can’t just blame Milly A lot of the time it’s just too much), the bills, the washing and even with Lee’s help no matter how hard we try everything just seems to go to shit.
The things I mentioned above are just everyday things that people do but for me it’s so difficult to do these things and people don’t seem to be able to understand that living a “normal” life when you suffer so terribly with mental illness is just unbelievably difficult which makes me hate myself even more.
I don’t write my blog for sympathy far from it. I use my blog to spread awareness of mental illness but also because this is the only way I can express the way I feel as I struggle to speak about it in the real world.
I also write this blog to help people who are suffering, who have the same issues or who feel totally lost and alone so they can see that they aren’t alone.
I know this post isn’t a very positive one but this is the harsh reality of what living life with mental illness especially BPD is like and if you do read my blog or go back and read through it you will realise that I am very open and honest about my struggles but I believe this is the best way as I don’t think sugar coating things helps anyone.
I think that’s all for today! Thanks for reading!!
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Love to you all