I know I have touched on my struggles with body dysmorphia and eating disorders before but I thought I would go into more detail on this post about what I actually see when I look in the mirror and at the scales.
So let me start by trying to explain what I see compared to what others see. So when I look in the mirror I see myself as like a size 20 but the rational part of my brain knows that I’m a size 10 and I buy a size 10 but the part of my brain that always wins is the one that makes me look in the mirror and see a size 20 version of myself staring back at me and that isn’t even an exaggeration.
I step on the scales and I could have put on 1 lb or maybe even half a lb and to me it feels like I have put on 20lb and I want to instantly starve myself and workout like a lunatic to loose that 1 lb and if I lived alone I would but I try really hard not to because I have Milly to set an example for and Lee wouldn’t let me starve myself
Then if I step on the scales and have lost a lb I’m so disappointed in myself as that isn’t enough and that voice comes along and is like you need to starve yourself so I can’t win either way my brain just hates me.
The thing with body dysmorphia it’s not all about weight it enhances everything you dislike about yourself and makes you absolutely detest it and it physically makes you feel sick when you look at yourself and it makes you want to cut those parts off but if i did that I would be cutting up my entire body which is another thing I really try not to do anymore but it’s so hard.
I see tiny imperfections as massive flaws and I end up making tiny things even if its not a spot I will pick it and squeeze it until it ends up bigger than it was and it usually ends up scarring because I literally can’t leave it alone.
I have absolutely zero self esteem and the one thing I am absolutely dreading about the wedding is the photo’s I hate the way I look on the photos I feel like I look like a hippopotamus so all I’m thinking is that I’m going to look like a hippopotamus in a wedding dress.
Hopefully my Hairdresser and makeup artist can work their magic so I don’t look like a homeless hippo in a wedding dress. I guess the photographer will take photos from flattering angles but what if you don’t have any flattering angles like me. What do they do then?
I’m determined to work out at least five times a week up until the wedding but that’s not going to make any difference to me because all I see is this ugly, fat and worthless human being. I don’t know why Lee wants to marry me! I really don’t he could do so much better than me.
There is little to no knowledge or awareness about this illness and it is just as severe as any other eating disorder/ mental illness
I think that is all for now! Thanks as always for reading!
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Love to you all