I know everyone’s life is hard but ours just seems ridiculously hard. The world just seems to be against us with everything we try and do. We try and do positive things that should make our lives better and everything just goes to shit.. every single time.
If things just went wrong maybe once or twice then we could probably accept that but it is never just once or twice it is without fail every single time and it would be hard enough to deal with anyway now add battling with mental illness every day on top of that and you just want to give up.
What we do have is our little family and we all try keep each other going. Milly isn’t aware that she is the main reason we fight to keep going when shit hits the fan which seems to be constantly at the moment.
I can’t wait to marry Lee in December and I want to be excited but my mind is just going crazy with things that are going to go majorly wrong or something really bad is going to happen before the wedding… like someone we love is going to die or get seriously hurt and that just keeps going around and around in my head.
I know brides worry about the big day but right now I am not worried about that I will worry about that on the day I’m more worried about this terrible thing that I feel is going to happen to someone before we get married and I don’t know when and there is nothing I can do to stop it and even if I tried it would still happen because like I said everything always goes wrong for us.
people say being positive makes positive things happen
In my case that is bullshit. I’ve tried that and it didn’t fucking work so I honestly just feel like giving up on everything because I can’t deal with failing at everything all the time it just breaks you and when your already broken you really can’t see the point in doing anything anymore when you know you are almost certainly are going to fail at it.
I smile and I laugh sometimes but that doesn’t mean i’m OK it just means I’m either trying to be OK or I’m pretending to be OK but I’m never OK! and the worst part is it’s exhausting and by around 5.30pm my patience starts to go and I just shut off, I snap at the people I love mainly Lee and he rarely deserves it and because I know i’m not right, my mind is going crazy and playing tricks on me, i’m paranoid so instead of seeking the comfort I need from him I push him away and that makes him feel shit but in my weird brain i’m protecting him but in real life i’m probably loosing him.
If that happens my world will fall apart because he is the reason my heart still beats today especially after everything we have been through in the almost five years we have been together I can’t imagine my life without him.
He is actually my everything it used to be my Grandad but when he passed away I thought my heart could never begin to mend and don’t get me wrong it will always be broken but the pieces that could be put back together were put back together by Lee, for Lee and of course Milly but even thinking of not having Lee breaks my heart so loosing him for good would literally kill me.
So yes I am currently defeated but still living….. so I guess that is OK for others… maybe not because i’m a burden but that is how it is for now anyway!
Thanks for reading I know it’s not that positive but it’s honest and that’s just the way I am.
If you like my blog the please subscribe or show me some love with a like.😘
love to you all