I’m really going through a hard time with myself at the moment, I’m finding everything a struggle and it is affecting Milly and I hate myself for it. All her life she has had a shitty mummy who can’t do anything right. I have tried to do my best and my best is not good enough. I just feel that she would be so much better without me.
I have one job and one job only and that is to look after Milly and I can’t even do that right. I know one day she is going to hate me as I hold her back and I always have done. I hate that I’m exhausted all the time so I struggle to play with her, I hate that my anxiety is so bad I can’t take her anywhere, I hate that my BPD changes my mood so quickly that she doesn’t always know where she stands or what happened.
on top of my mental health problems I also have some physical problems going on that have had a major effect on my life, well all my loved ones life. I have a b9 brain tumour on my pituitary gland which is a very important gland that controls all the other glands in your brain. So basically it controls everything. We found out about this a few months ago and since then I have had blood test, MRI scans, emergency eye scans and we found out a few weeks ago that it is effecting my Peripheral vision which is causing me to feel extreme headaches to the point of almost passing out. It causes quite a lot of side effects so it makes doing “normal” things very difficult well even more difficult as they was already difficult with my mental health problems but now this tumour is effecting Milly’s life too.
I just want Milly to have a mummy who can care for her without needing help, I want her to have a mummy who isn’t a failure, who doesn’t have all these issues, who can pick her up from playgroup on time everyday without fail instead of having a mummy who is always late because of her stupid tumour making her feel shit, I want her to have a mummy who is fun, who doesn’t take everything to heart, who doesn’t get upset over stupid things. I just want her to have the best mummy in the world and sadly I don’t that is me.
I have always worried that I would effect her mental well being and it is one of my biggest fears then I got a letter from her playgroup saying that constantly being late will effect their mental well being and if I continue to be late she will be marked down as an uncollected child. Well that broke me that was it I just knew at that moment I had failed her not on purpose but I had still failed her and Iv’e been trying really hard not to let it get to me but it just go’s around and around in my head.
Then I worry about Milly’s speech because I think that is quite delayed and a few people have mentioned it to me now so I must have done something to cause that, the fact she is shy and anxious is my fault as she picks that up from me. I try really hard but it is just not good enough. People say she is a credit to us but I just think all the things she struggles with is my fault and I don’t know what else I can do!
I think she would be so much further on in her development if she didn’t have me as her mummy. I love her to absolute pieces and would protect her with my life but I don’t think that is good enough. She is so clever and I am just stopping her from reaching her full potential. I feel for her a lot because she gets so frustrated when she is trying to say something and I just don’t understand. I do understand her most of the time but nobody else does so I think i’m causing her speech problems. I have mentioned it to her playgroup but as she doesn’t talk much there I don’t know how they could assess her but I don’t think they take my concerns seriously anyway so what is the point.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore! like I said at the start I have one job and that is to be the mummy Milly needs and I can’t even do that. I’m such a failure as a mummy, a fiancee, a daughter and just at life in general. I just make life difficult for everyone and I honestly feel they would all be better without me.
Sorry it is a sad post but I just had to get it off my chest and I always like to be honest about my struggles. Thank you for reading and don’t forget to subscribe.
Love to you all